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1) Introduction

2) Effects on the parents

Confronting your emotions

Inappropriate behavior

For the one living with the children

For the one not living with the children

Treat yourself well

Managing your emotions

Acceptance and adjustment

Tips to treat yourself well

3) My children

Reaction towards parents' separation/divorce in different ages

How to assist children to adapt to the separated lives

What will help the children most - things that parents can do

You should seek professional help if you have the below problems

Q & A - how to answer your children's questions

Handbook for Parents 1
Impact of separation and divorce

 

3) My children


Reaction towards parents' separation/divorce in different ages



Emotions and characteristics: What they need:
  • They do not understand the split but are sensitive to the intense atmosphere. They may act anxiously and cry.
  • They rely heavily on the parents and are afraid of the split. They will miss the parents after the separation.
  • They can easily get angry, worry and possibly with behavioural regression as it is a channel to let out their anxiety.
  • They are consistently testing people’s boundaries through disobedience.
  • Physical intimacy from the parents (e.g. hugging or feeding), and a stable living environment to grow.
  • A regular schedule to be with each parent and spend quality time together.
  • Clear and consistent parenting style from both parents to establish a sense of security.
  • Do not expose your children to any argument or disagreement between you and your ex-partner.
  • Tell them you still love them.

Emotions and characteristics: What they need:
  • They feel sad about the separation and consistently think of the other parent.
  • They may think they are the cause of the separation and feel guilty for it. They fantasise seeing the parents getting back together.
  • They have dilemma of which side they should be on and feel caught in between.
  • Blame one of the parents for this separation and let out their anger towards him/her.
  • Overly sensitive about the conflict or emotional change between both parents.
  • Explain to them the reason behind this separation, give them support and comfort.
  • Assure them of your love verbally and physically. Comfort their emotion.
  • Maintain a stable and regular life routine; give them notice before making any changes so they are mentally prepared for it.
  • Avoid involving them in conflicts between you and your ex-partner.
  • Allow them to have affection towards the other parent and spend time together regularly.

Emotions and characteristics: What they need:
  • They have a very basic understanding of the situation and how the parents feel.
  • They make moral judgment on parents’ behaviour and judge that one is “good” and the other is “bad”.
  • They may experience different unsettling feelings, such as anger, despair, helplessness and loneliness.
  • Their self-esteems are lowered because of the unfavourable image of the parents.
  • Their grades on studies may drop.
  • They need healthy relationships with not just one, but both parents.
  • Avoid arguing in front of them or criticising the other parent. Respect your ex-partner as your children’s mother/father.
  • They need a stable and regular schedule to spend time with each of the parent.
  • Listen to how they feel and try to understand their frustrations.

Emotions and characteristics: What they need:
  • They think the conflict between the two parents is childish. They are ashamed and annoyed by it.
  • They understand the reason behind the break up and feel frustrated for not being able to help their parents..
  • They feel burdened because of having to share the responsibility of taking care of younger siblings and comforting the parents.
  • They struggle to pick sides, and once they do, they will distance themselves from the other parent.
  • Instead of spending time on their studies, they focus on creating problems as an attempt to grab attentions from parents.
  • They are tired of being the emotional support for the parent and feel neglected. They therefore act rebelliously and may even run away from home.
  • Opportunities and healthy channels to express their feelings and thoughts.
  • Do not rely on the children for emotional support or depend on the elder one to take care of the younger siblings.
  • Do not give them the pressure of having to stand by one’s side.
  • For the parent who doesn’t live with the children, try to understand your children’s views and be flexible when scheduling the bonding time.
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